Okay so I know that I normally talk about fun stuff...decorating, cute outfits, random musings etc. However, there's been something on my mind that I can't seem to let go of. (note: if you don't want a downer post then just come back tomorrow)
A few months ago I wrote about having another seizure. That would be 3 in the past year, which = epilepsy. I know that there are much worse things to deal with than that but as I get deeper into doctor's appointments, medication, medication changes, I can't help but wonder about what happens next.
Right now my life isn't affected too much. I mean not driving throws a wrench into my daily life but is (usually) easy enough to overcome (thanks to amazing friends and an even more amazing hubby*). Being a little "spacey" has it's drawbacks (although there's always an argument that I was spacey before all of this) but again, friends and family make it more of a funny thing than a serious thing...even though I tell them things several times not remembering that I've already told them that same thing...that funny story is usually only funny the first time you hear it.
What I'm really worried about is: Will we be able to have kids? I never thought in a million years that I'd be worried about that at age 25. I am starting to understand the concept of "baby fever"...I may not be ready just yet but I'm almost there. A few friends have gotten pregnant, I have a new nephew and am starting to think that my time is coming - hopefully.
Realistically my odds seem okay, that we'll be able to have kids...but there's that little voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of the medication labels that say, "could cause birth defects" or "women should not take while pregnant or if they plan to become pregnant"...not to mention the danger of having a seizure while pregnant. It seems that lately not a day goes by where I don't think about that.
Ever since I was little I always pictured myself having kids, and the idea that there's even a small chance that I might not is a crushing blow. I'm trying to stay positive and I figured if I wrote these thoughts down I might feel better...I guess I'll have to wait and see. I also figured that writing this would free me up to only think positive thoughts...and I think it may have worked, I do feel like a little weight has been lifted off of my chest.
I apologize for the downer post today and will get back to my normal "less serious" self tomorrow!
*Hubby who very sweetly told me yesterday that he says a little prayer a few times a day "every time he see's 11:11 or 2:22 on the clock" that this whole seizure thing gets figured out. I honestly almost cried right then and there when he said that.
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lindsay, thank you so much for sharing this! you shouldnt appologize for posting about personal stuff- its your blog girl! my cousin has epielsepy and he has seisures almost every week. it is a VERY scary thing, (he has a lot of other health issues too). i am so grateful that there is medication for this sort of thing-- so its good that you are seeing doctors about it, and not ignoring it. as far as the baby stuff goes, that is seriously my biggest fear too-- not being able to have a baby. but then you realize sometimes things are out of your control (i have no idea if i can have kids or not) and either way things are going to happen or they arent. stay positive and optimistic, especially since you dont know if the seisures will prevent you from having children in the future. and rememember there are SO many children in need of a loving & caring family. much love- xo
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for a while (because you're also an ADPi and I feel like we'd be instant friends :) ) and I am so sorry to hear that this is weighing so heavy on your heart. I hope that you get better or that some miracle drug is invented so that you can have babies AND not have seizures. I have no idea what that must feel like, but stay strong and stay brave! You seem to have a great support system surrounding you, and that will definitely help you in your times of need. Pi love and my love!
ReplyDeleteLindsay-- I just found out this past year after a couple seizures myself that I too have epilepsy. Not being able to have children is the one thing that terrifies me most as well.... even though it's still quite a few years off for me, I have started prenatal vitamins per my doctor's request... trying to combat whatever harm my medication is causing! Just doing that now has made me feel a little better, more hopeful. But bottom line is I think I know how you're feeling and how frightening it is, but know you are at least not alone! Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteBless your heart and your struggle.
ReplyDeleteI'll throw some prayers out for you as well. Because I can, bloggers can pray for bloggers.
Not all blogs need to be woven with hilarousness or crafty crap. Honesty speaks volumes.
Nice post thanks for sharinng
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