Okay so I know that I normally talk about fun stuff...decorating, cute outfits, random musings etc. However, there's been something on my mind that I can't seem to let go of. (
note: if you don't want a downer post then just come back tomorrow)
A few months ago I wrote about having another seizure. That would be 3 in the past year, which = epilepsy. I know that there are much worse things to deal with than that but as I get deeper into doctor's appointments, medication, medication changes, I can't help but wonder about what happens next.
Right now my life isn't affected too much. I mean not driving throws a wrench into my daily life but is (usually) easy enough to overcome (thanks to amazing friends and an even more amazing hubby*). Being a little "spacey" has it's drawbacks (although there's always an argument that I was spacey before all of this) but again, friends and family make it more of a funny thing than a serious thing...even though I tell them things several times not remembering that I've already told them that same thing...that funny story is usually only funny the first time you hear it.
What I'm really worried about is: Will we be able to have kids? I never thought in a million years that I'd be worried about that at age 25. I am starting to understand the concept of "baby fever"...I may not be ready just yet but I'm almost there. A few friends have gotten pregnant, I have a new nephew and am starting to think that my time is coming - hopefully.
Realistically my odds seem okay, that we'll be able to have kids...but there's that little voice in the back of my mind that reminds me of the medication labels that say, "could cause birth defects" or "women should not take while pregnant or if they plan to become pregnant"...not to mention the danger of having a seizure while pregnant. It seems that lately not a day goes by where I don't think about that.
Ever since I was little I always pictured myself having kids, and the idea that there's even a small chance that I might not is a crushing blow. I'm trying to stay positive and I figured if I wrote these thoughts down I might feel better...I guess I'll have to wait and see. I also figured that writing this would free me up to only think positive thoughts...and I think it may have worked, I do feel like a little weight has been lifted off of my chest.
I apologize for the downer post today and will get back to my normal "less serious" self tomorrow!
*Hubby who very sweetly told me yesterday that he says a little prayer a few times a day "every time he see's 11:11 or 2:22 on the clock" that this whole seizure thing gets figured out. I honestly almost cried right then and there when he said that.
